‪‪☺︎‬ (2023.12.11)

 

 

 

 

 

Good evening

 

Thank you for your hard work today.

 

I have something to announce to everyone today
Please allow me to say it in this blog.

 

Through this blog,
I want to convey my feelings to you all,
and hopefully you can understand my current situation a little better

 

To be able to write down “words” and “letters” even for just a bit.
To get rid of “misunderstanding”.

 

I have a strong sense of weakness toward these three things,
and it caused me to be reluctant to write a blog,
as I had greedy thoughts like
“I wish I could get rid of that consciousness,”
“I wish I could write it more like a diary,”

 

I asked the staff to allow me to continue
updating my blog during my hiatus,
and I’ve been given the permission to do so.

 

However, with this blog update today,
it’s been decided that I
will stop updating my blog during my hiatus.

 

I understand that by addressing this matter
candidly might cause you more concern,
but with that determination in mind,
please allow me to talk about it from here on out.

 

 

 

I am currently suffering from
“Panic Disorder”

 

Ever since several years ago,
I have noticed it slightly, like, “Could it be?”,
but I pretended not to notice and continued my activities.

 

But because of that, I have reached my limit
And the doctor told me that I should take
a rest for a while.
The staff also said
that I should take a break
for the sake of my future, for my career,

 

It was a regrettable choice for me
but I decided to take a hiatus
for the sake of myself and my career.

 

I am filled with much, much,

 

worry,

 

about the present, tomorrow, and the future.

 

When I write my blog like a diary,
being able to express my present even for just a little,
and conveying my daily life,
puts me at ease,

 

Even so, I did not know how I should
express the condition that I have right now.
My physical condition is also so different from day to day
so much so that I have no idea how I’m going to feel until I wake up in the morning.
It’s like my days are just all jumbled up

 

That makes me scared, like I want to run away.
Those are the days when I wished I could
lose all my emotions and be empty.

 

Until now, I’ve been able to update my blog
by writing in the moments when I feel capable of somehow managing to put in some hard work.
So I thought maybe it would be fine
to make the decision to update it whenever I feel healthy

 

However, I could really feel my body
giving out an “alert” sign.

 

And the doctor said that it’s dangerous for me
to continue writing blogs in that condition,
and so they ordered me to stop.

 

To be honest, I didn’t want to show
this weak side of myself to everyone,
and there’s no need for me to talk about it so plainly.

 

But as my last blog on the road to recovery,
I thought that this is the place where I should be honest to everyone,

 

I don’t want to hide anything from you all anymore
so I am taking this opportunity to speak clearly about it

 

I am truly sorry
if I have caused you even more concern.

 

Although it’s a little selfish of me
I hope that one day I will be strong enough
to say, “I could be who I am now because of what happened”.

 

And at that time,
precisely because I have experienced this,
and understand the difficulty and pain of it,
I hope to be someone who can comfort others in their time of need.

 

Ever since I entered my hiatus,
you’ve read my blogs a lot,
and even created a warm
hashtag for me,

 

I am very sorry that
I have given you this result instead.

 

From now on, I hope to continue my mobame messaging,

 

and I plan to continue sending greetings such as

 

“Good morning”
“Hello”
“Good evening”,

 

and maybe there will even be days where I can manage to talk a little bit about my daily life, and if so I will continue to talk about it then

 

“I’m sure that everyone will be on my side”,
so I believe.

 

I will concentrate on my treatment,
so that I can return as soon as possible.

 

I don’t want to keep feeling any more regrets,
so little by little

 

I want to try returning as fast as I can

 

 

I hope that you all can please take care of yourselves.

 

 

And I’d like to remind you once again
to just be considerate of
“words” “letters” “misunderstanding”
regardless of who you’re talking with

 

No matter how much happiness or happy words that you receive,
seeing or hearing a single sad word or letters
even when you don’t want to,
could make it fill your heart.

 

There are times when you just can’t ignore them.

 

Even if you want to erase it, it’s something that can’t be erased like that.

 

Trying not to look, trying not to hear.

 

There are times when it’s impossible to do that.

 

I hope that you can understand
“so someone like that exists too”,

 

with consideration for one another.

 

I sincerely hope that no one else
will end up like me.

 

 

 

 

 

Just a small, recent story.

 

My current emotional support, Jujutsu Kaisen’s Nanamin.

 

I watched yesterday’s “Jonetsu Tairiku”.
I couldn’t stop crying from watching
Tsuda Kenjiro-san’s acting.

 

I cried when I watched that scene in the anime,
but seeing him perform that scene with both his voice and body
made me cry even more.

 

I cried so much on my own at home.
My eyes were all so swollen.

 

I miss him already.

 

In that emotional state
I felt a lot of new emotions arise that I’ve never felt before
and it was a day filled with many thoughts and feelings.

 

I am once again filled with much gratitude
that Tsuda Kenjiro-san
was selected to play as my beloved Nanamin.

 

Nanamin will continue to be my emotional support.
It was a day when I loved him even more.

 

It was also a day where I was able to take a step that moved my heart.

 

That’s all for my little, small story.

 

 

 

 

 

Well then, let’s see each other again when I return.

 

 

 

I will always love all of you.

 

 

So everyone,

 

please keep waiting for me, okay?

 

 

 

Mii.